


(I exist here.)

by Archistratego



Category: Clover - CLAMP, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dystopia, Gen, I'm so sorry for this, Just Take It Please, M/M, Metaphors, The Author Regrets Everything, eli as a technopath, i can't write straight up tragic endings they make me too sad, questionable lack of caps, sort of ambiguous ending?, technopathy as a form of magic, this ending is happier than initially planned, this took me too long to write for being so short, unconventional writing as usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-07-18 13:57:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16119890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Archistratego/pseuds/Archistratego
Summary: outside it rains. he says, (I exist here.)The world lies in ruins, Admiral Thrawn is assigned a peculiar mission: to deliver someone named Eli wherever they ask. Eli just wants to find a place where he no longer is lonely.edit; now with links to beautiful fanart bybarbwalken!!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Clover/Thrawn mash-up au junk. You technically don't need to know anything about Clover to read this but if you have a chance to look at the manga, you should because it is great! I did add a summary of Clover's premise at the end in case this was very confusing to read!
> 
> I'm not really happy with this but since it was for eli week it is already very late. rip me. Will I ever not use parenthesis in my titles? Probably not. Written for day 7 of [eli week](https://elivantoweek.tumblr.com/).
> 
>  **[edit]** Now with [amazing art](http://barbwalken.tumblr.com/post/182726178179/from-this-awesome-fic-by-archistratego) and [final scene](http://barbwalken.tumblr.com/post/183062532124/archistratego-can-you-give-me-back-my-feels) from [barbwalken](http://barbwalken.tumblr.com) on tumblr, please drop by to show her some love!

_(I’m here.)_

a cage covered by a translucent membrane. mechanical birds with open beaks, the sound of a radio song — two voices, overlaid; metal wings covered with pink human flesh.

the trees, however, those are real, leafy greens that turn this prison’s appearance into a greenhouse — the plants tended to by anthropomorphic mechanical animals, enough to fill Wonderland three times over.

a boy is sitting on the floor, bare feet, listening to the clicking wires, the static between songs.

outside it rains.

he says,

_(I exist here.)_

 

* * *

 

 

buildings in this city are mostly derelict condos with crumbling concrete and rusted wires, furnished with ratty mattresses and threadbare sheets which started tearing during the war; when money ran out the wizards stacked the ruins together with a flick of their wrists.

 _good enough_ , they said and forgot.

a tall man glides silently past the destruction left behind by Grysk army and their last bombardment. there are no bodies, only rubble, and towards the left stand the gates of the inner city.

buildings here are dated but whole, people selling a plethora of trinkets on the streets. he ignores them in favour of a particular vendor from which he purchases a bag of apples.

it’s raining.

his overcoat is damp when he arrives at the home of an old friend, up the winding staircases and several security screens.

“Commodore Faro.” he hands over the paper bag.

“Admiral Thrawn.” she sets it on the kitchen counter.

“May I remind you that I am on leave, and as such prefer to drop formalities.”

“Old habits,” she says, “But you’re visiting, which you never do. So that must mean something.”

he offers what passes for a smile to those who know him; Faro knows him well, having served under his command for years. old subordinates that became old friends.

“I heard Mitth’ras’safis spoke to the wizards, urging them for a ceasefire.”

“Perhaps that is why they’ve summoned me.” this is a possibility Thrawn is aware of. though the wizards have their own agenda and if they expect him to change Thrass’ mind they are overestimating his diplomatic skills.

besides, he’s never advocated peace.

_(I’m all alone.)_

 

* * *

 

 

wizard Ko grants him an I.D. cryptogram to complete his mission; the leaf-shaped mechanic implanted on his right hand. it itches a little but as promised it opens gate after gate after gate as he wonders down the rabbit hole.

he is greeted by a white rabbit dressed like a harlequin, bright red and black; those colours hide blood stains best.

“Welcome, sir, we were expecting you.” the rabbit bows. late model killer dolls move past them, animal heads turning, their beady black eyes fixed on Thrawn. beneath their circus-like outfits their machinery is designed for one purpose only: kill. whatever is in this place is valuable. “Place your hand on the panel.”

the screen turns green, cogs clacking; the animal dolls turn away, leaving him to contemplate the room — no, the cage — ahead.

he can hear radio, the fluttering of metallic wings.

there is a young man who takes his hand and looks critically at the leaf-shaped marking from the wizards.

“So, you’re the one who will take me?”

_(And I’ll always be alone.)_

 

* * *

 

 

their boots are damp, overcoats dripping as they duck into a winding set of alleys. in the span of a few hours, Thrawn has had to kill several pursuers. he’s not sure why he feels unsettled.

maybe it is the way the young man — Eli — looks when he finishes dispatching them. Eli looks at him with wide eyes, mouth o-shaped, blood splattered across his dark skin.

Thrawn books them into a hotel, removed from the hustle of the streets; he checks the camera feeds: quiet.

“We will get cleaned up, stay the night and continue tomorrow.” Thrawn arches an eyebrow before continuing, “When the world considers you less interesting to chase after.”

Eli’s answer is to turn the radio on.

_(But I’ll be here.)_

 

* * *

 

 

“Afternoon Commodore,” Gilad’s face on the visor, wires coiling out that connect to the communication network; this channel is coded for military purposes. “Seems the Admiral’s ward is very popular, I’ve traced back the signals.”

“The Parliament sanctioned his transportation.” Faro frowns, taping the tracking device that marked Thrawn’s current location. the signal had been abruptly cut, systems fried across all networks, even the highest security ones.

“Wizard Ko did. Could mean some of the other wizards have a problem,” Gilad pauses, uncomfortable. “Does he know what it is he carries?”

Faro averts her eyes. “We should find them.”

 

* * *

 

 

_(It’s impossible to understand someone completely.)_

sitting cross-legged on the bed Eli dries his hair with a fluffy towel. he looks tired, concerned. “You’re hurt.”

probing at the injury, Thrawn uses a stapler and bandages, a crude but effective first aid job. “Part of the job.”

“I’m sorry.” Eli crawls across the bed and helps Thrawn clean up.

“It was not you who shot me.”

“I know!” Eli grits his teeth, looking at the bloodied towel in his hands. “But I still—”

“Did you ask them to shoot me? Did you hand them their weapons? Did you—”

“Of course not!” Eli is affronted, he looks up to be met a half-amused expression on Thrawn’s face.

“Then?”

Eli huffs, his attempt at throwing the towel at Thrawn stopped by his hand encircling Eli’s wrist, ignoring the shudder that crawls up from his spine and settles between shoulder blades.

oh.

“Trust me, Eli. I will take you where you asked.”

“Because it’s you job.”

“Because it’s important to you.” Thrawn lightly squeezes Eli’s wrist before releasing it.

“Don’t you wanna ask me why?” his eyes are wet but Eli refuses to cry.

“Do you wish to tell me?”

a shrug, Eli curls around Thrawn, tucking his limbs close. “I’m a Clover.” he presses his face against the clean bandage on Thrawn’s shoulder, “Nothing in this world is for me. Not ever.”

Thrawn is silent for a long while, eventually lifting one hand to brush the brown locks at the nape of Eli’s neck; beneath them a tattoo in the shape of a four leaf clover, a barcode in the middle. “I thought you didn’t exist.”

“There’s only me.” Eli hums in tandem with the radio, he knows the lyrics by heart, Thrawn has heard him sing along.

_(No one can do it.)_

 

* * *

 

 

behind: rusted gates, the ocean black like an oil spill, nothing that falls in climbs out.

in front: a crumbling amusement park, a carousel, a roller-coaster unfinished, the half-standing statue that warbles that melancholic song on repeat.

“I just wanted one wish.” Eli is fidgeting, shoulders slumped, left hand fingers wrapped around right wrist.

“To come here?” Thrawn raises an eyebrow. he’s clearly not impressed by the location. his mission is completed then, he delivered Eli to where asked. something cold settles in his chest, it seems a shame to bid goodbye so soon to someone so remarkable.

Eli looks at his feet, evasive. that will not do at all— Thrawn lifts Eli’s chin with careful fingers. “Combing their powers, the five wizards stand a chance to win against a three leaf,” Eli says, wets his lips.

he narrows his eyes, Thrawn has already seen a fraction of Eli’s abilities. manipulating technology comes as easy as breathing to him, raw potential hidden away behind an unassuming facade. “Eli—”

behind them, an explosion cracking open the sky. before them, a hunk of metal that sustains the park collapsing. beneath them, miles and miles of black.

the leftovers shards circling, the wires thrust forth like spears breaking as they hit the materialised giant circuitry summoned by Eli.

“The Grysk army?” Thrawn’s arm settles around Eli’s shoulders drawing him close, protective; he holds out his other hand, technological enhancement allowing him to draw a weapon.

“No,” Eli says, “The wizards.”

/there’s the screeching sound of metal dragged across concrete so much destruction while thrawn plays his part and he is a warrior and he protects eli even as a wayward wire impales him and eli screams because there is blood on his hands and he will keep his promise he will and it’s over but thrawn is still breathing/

 

* * *

 

 

_(Not even I…)_

he struggles to focus past the pain, “Did you get your wish?” Thrawn doesn’t ask what that wish is. first he’d assumed it was to come here but now he knows better what eli wants.

Eli hesitates, trembling slightly as he carefully props Thrawn up, “Yes.”

“Good.” Thrawn gives into the tide of darkness, sinking into unconsciousness.

Thrawn’s hand in his is limp but warm, heartbeat fluttering against Eli’s skin when he presses his cheek, then his lips against it. _thank you_.

“I got your message.” Karyn stands still, unsure what to make of this destruction and her superior officer— injured and gently cradled by Eli. “Thrawn didn’t send that SOS, did he?”

“No. I did.” Eli gets up, wires lifting Thrawn’s unconscious body gently, “I think we could’ve been friends.” she thinks Eli means Thrawn but he’s looking at her. “Will he be alright?”

Karyn checks his pulse, fastens the straps to help transport Thrawn. “Yes. Do you need—”

“No, it should be fine,” Eli says, “Thanks.”

Karyn switches on the hovercraft, checks once more to make sure Thrawn is securely held and tries not to feel guilty about leaving Eli here, to turn back— when she feels the explosion behind and her heart drops, the remainder of the park goes up in a plume of smoke and sinks into the ocean.

later that day she tries not to think too much about the debriefing session with the wizards and all the questions she still has.

_(You were able to be reborn.)_

 

* * *

 

 

the five wizards—

“You didn’t trust Eli to keep his promise and self-destruct.”

“People change their minds when they’re emotional.”

“Mitth’raw’nuruodo should’ve died, the four leaf should’ve been returned.”

“There will be others, less obstinate than Eli.”

“What do you propose to do now?”

“Nothing. The Grysk are still our primary concern, Mitth’raw’nuruodo is still of use to us.”

— agree, the four leaf clover is out of reach, their most brilliant tactician is necessary, he must live.

 

* * *

 

 

_(I wish I could be reborn, too.)_

it feels like failure despite the completion of the mission. after all, no one had mentioned returning.

Thrawn memorises Eli’s expression— it had a quiet sort of contentment at the end, happiness perhaps.

recovery is dull, he doesn’t like being left with the memories of the last few days, thinking of how he could’ve changed Eli’s fate. made him happy. taken him home and taught him. 

Thrawn traces the leaf-shaped mark leftover from the mission and whispers a name like a mantra: Eli, Eli, Eli - **where**?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And in the aftermath there are pieces that can't be fixed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For [meganloveswords](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meganloveswords/pseuds/meganloveswords), thank you for asking more about this AU! I know this isn't quite a resolution (yet?) but, well I hope you like it! Your lovely comments and enthusiasm fueled this.

Thrawn never had trouble sleeping before. he hears the static tremble from the radio in the corner; an old contraption that had ceased working years ago, it hums now, beckoning from where it sits. he's already risen twice to check, unplugged it even and yet _yet_  it keeps spewing that static.

and if he hears too closely (he tries not to), it is Eli's voice — a wounded bird echoing down the line, tucked between the clicks and static. Thrawn ignores it, even if it feels like an unanswered phone call. his hands twitch on his lap and his gaze stays on the ceiling.

the mournful warble dies an hour before sunrise replaced by sirens from outside his window. he rises and rinses his face.

Eli, four-leaf, an anomaly of the clover hierarchy is dead. he's been told so. he saw the structure collapse over him and then deafening silence that followed. only his voice remains, caught between the wires and metal of the city.

he finds an inexplicable ache in his chest at the memory of Eli's skin beneath his fingertips, tracing the clover tattoo at the back of his rail-thin neck, and it angers him. all Thrawn had ever done was his duty and this husk left inside of his person seems like failure despite the stamp of success on the mission. the status quo remains.

(remnants of Eli, too, remain)

 

* * *

  
"This is broken _and_ unplugged." Thrass says, unimpressed.

"I am well aware of that fact." Thrawn replies.

"Is that not your answer then? perhaps the wizards were too quick to reassign you after—"

"A tactician and warrior on the sidelines is of no use." Thrawn cuts in, because he does not need time. no amount of time off-duty would restore a sleep that had been robbed by unanswered questions.

Thrass has no reply to that. It is true — were the wizards to decide that Mitth'raw'nuruodo had no further use, they would discard and replace him. perhaps stage an assassination. even Thrass' best connections would not be able to save him, wizard Ko is one vote of five, after all.

"The wizards already tried to kill you, just to make sure —" Thrass pauses, "— to be _certain_  you could not sway the boy."

"Eli." Thrawn corrects.

_Whoever_ , Thrass thinks, a mixture of anger and concern clouding his vision. "The four leaf," he amends, "Had he lived you would be dead. You understand this, yes?" he casts a glance at the radio in the corner, a silent witness. "Move on, forget. If they think he's alive — if there is the smallest chance that he is breathing somewhere, even if it is far from here, the wizards will kill you."

and what Thrass doesn't say: the Grysks would too. there would be no place safe. Eli had kept the promise he made to the wizards, one wish granted and then he would destroy himself. the wizards had their tactician back and the greatest threat to their power eliminated. the status quo was restored.

it is a neat ending, not a fair one.

 

* * *

 

in hindsight, Thrass ought to have paid more attention.

 

* * *

 

_(I exist here.)_

once upon a time, in a place where the sky and shore meet, a young man sleeps beneath the flutter of metallic wings. and when he dreams, he dreams of blue and scratchy fabric of a military uniform against his cheek.

_(I'm here.)_

and his happily ever after has a name and a shape and a home, mouthed softly when he wakes:

_(Thrawn.)_


	3. Chapter 3

( _I saw it your eyes_ )

Faro sits, ram-rod straight on the standard metal chair used for interrogations at the station, the loudspeaker attached on the left corner, over the door warbles a mournful song. the voice is familiar and also not — like she's heard this voice a lifetime ago but she knows who it belongs to: that boy Thrawn had been taking care of.

a boy who is, as far as Faro is concerned, very dead in the oddest of circumstances. he'd died and left behind a stream of questions and a shaken man. Thrawn had been irrevocably changed by the experience, to the point that she knows exactly why she's been summoned here.

the person who sits across from her is no other than Mitth'ras'safis, high ranking member of the government — if rumours are to be believed, he intends to replace one of the wizards of the council.

Faro is not going to ask if those are true. she values her life.

"I will cut to the chase, Commodore." Mitth'ras'safis inclines his head slightly, "Records show that you were the last person contacted by Admiral Thrawn before his disappearance."

Faro's fingers twitch, aching for a cigarette to ease the tension in the room. "He did not act out of the ordinary in our meeting."

a lie, if Faro is honest with herself. Thrawn had a look in his eyes, a red madness within as he outlined a series of requests for Faro. she'd purchased what he'd asked with no questions: guns, IDs, transport, trinkets that served to barter in the less savoury areas of the city.

Mitth'ras'safis does not look like he believes that in the slightest but Faro knows that unless she admits something there is little they can do. she's a soldier and survivor.

"And he did not mention the Clover Project to you?"

"No, he did not."

"But you know what it is."

Faro hesitates, places her hands on the table and leans forward. "Most of us know what it is. How children were tested for magic potential by the Wizards and the strongest recruited never to be seen again."

"Then you're also familiar with the ranking system assigned to each gifted child."

"Sure." point made, Faro leans back on the chair. "One for those weakest, three for the strongest. There's only been, what? Two three-leaf Clovers recorded."

"Three." Mitth'ras'safis replies, "One of them died early on in the project." this time, he is the one to lean forward, casting a furtive glance at the two-way mirror that takes up two-thirds of the wall. "And you, of course, understand why keeping any Clovers ranked higher than two under government surveillance."

"They're like weapons."

Mitth'ras'safis nods, "Dangerous if left alone, they could do more harm than good."

"Was that boy — the one Admiral Thrawn was escorting — a three leaf?"

"No, he was a four-leaf."

Faro's carefully maintained expression falls, surprised. "I thought those were a myth."

"Yes, it was the policy to keep his existence hidden from the world, in order to avoid any..." he pauses, "...complications."

"But Eli was just walking around and — "

"The four-leaf, name Eli, was being escorted by Admiral Thrawn when tragedy struck and he died." Mitth'ras'safis recites as if reading from a report, and gives Faro a look.

somehow, Faro doubts it is that simple.

( _hold me, hold me_ )

 

* * *

 

the tv is switched on, a grainy black and white interview playing out. the boy on the screen is dressed in white, feet bare as he sits with his legs crossed. behind him the bars are clearly visible: they're inside a cage, spacious and comfortable, but a cage nonetheless. his voice is pleading, sad. "Please, please — just grant me this one wish."

"Why there?" the voice comes from a hologram projected into the room, an old woman — or rather, a Wizard of the council, considers the request made by the four-leaf clover.

"Because that's the last place I remember before the Wizards found me." Eli's expression is a mixture between placid and sorrowful. "I understand that I don't— " his voice falters for a moment, betraying how young he really is, "—that there is no place for someone like me in the world. The risks are too great."

she nods, mouth pressed in a thin-line. "What do you hope to accomplish during your short time outside?"

"Lonely. I don't want to feel lonely - even if it's just a day or a few hours, even a minute —" Eli's voice trembles again, coloured by sorrow. "And then I promise, I'll be out of reach for anyone to use."

 _death_. though neither one uses the word. death was the only place Eli could be truly out of reach of all those who would seek to use his power.

"Very well, if this is your one and only wish." a shadow haunts this woman, perhaps it is guilt but it is impossible to capture in the poor quality of the video.

"It is."

 

* * *

 

Mitth'ras'safis pulls back the tablet and stops the video with a tap.

 

* * *

 

the waves hold a rhythmic pattern, not unlike that of a song. Thrawn thinks he can follow the cadence of Eli's voice in their rise and fall; it's no longer a mournful warble caught in the static of the radio, this time Thrawn can hear it, clear as crystal, calling.

( _don’t be afraid_ )

against all logical thought, Thrawn has returned to the watery graveside where the ruins of the park lay now beneath the waves. if he stares down into the murky grey water, he can see the faint outlines of the rumble brought about by Eli's powers as he destroyed everything around and himself. Thrawn had been unconscious at the time, a small mercy.

he wouldn't had let Eli do it. against all reason, Thrawn would've defied his orders. he still is, being here instead of dropping the case. he can't forget the aching melancholy Eli shared, nor the way he finally smiled at Thrawn — surprised and relieved and still profoundly sad.

( _I felt it in your voice_ )

against what he has been told is true, Thrawn hears Eli call. his feels nails dig into his palm, fist clenched as the water shifts course, swirling and calling his name.

( _Thrawn_ )

it’s Eli. mouth blowing warm air against his earlobe, smiling. Thrawn opens his eyes — he looks and the sea reaches upwards to welcome him.

 

* * *

 

Mitth'ras'safis is writing a report when the clicking stops. he looks up from where he sits, at the radio in the corner — it had belonged to Thrawn and been confiscated along with the rest of his belongings.

Mitth’ras’safis saved it out of some weird sentimental impulse and heard its mournful warble during the late evenings while working. it had become a habit that its abrupt end caused him to pause his work.

he stares at it, as if this radio has mortally offended him by falling silent. Mitth’ras’safis knows what he saw. he knows what to say. the impossibility of a broken radio that has functioned for weeks suddenly breaking down now, as if it had never worked to begin with.

but Mitth’ras’safis is smart, he knows the song hadn’t been meant for him, it hadn’t been meant for anyone but Thrawn.

and its silence can only mean reunion.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So, in retrospect I should've added a Clover summary to help make more sense. 
> 
> In summary: Sue is a four leaf clover(clovers are children born with technopathy-like powers) who is escorted by Kazuhiko to Fairy Park at the orders of the Wizards - who rule the city. Kazuhiko does not know that Sue is a four leaf, and they travel to Fairy Park getting waylaid by people who are after them (including some of the Wizards who want to use Sue for their own gain). 
> 
> Anyway, Kazuhiko and Sue form a very strong bond but at the end she reveals she is a four leaf clover and as such her power is too great to be controlled by the wizards, so she has to be alone, otherwise the person she cares for would have the power to rule the world. Though the manga is unfinished, Sue has (at this point) died.
> 
> Hopefully this clears up a few things. Thank you to all who commented and encouraged me to expand this story. It is now, certainly, finished and with an implied happy ending.


End file.
